Some Kind of Pretty Candles at Breakfast, Better Off to Buy Me Love — 6:30 am: It is like totally early. I am Frankie. I use hair spray before school. I paint my eyelashes with a small tube of blue paint. I wear thrift shop clothes, even though no other pupils at my school do. 7:00 am: I am on the bus with dweebs…

True Love Forever, Interrupted — Dear Mr. Cassidy, It has recently come to my attention that I neglected to end our relationship that I alone started, and that I alone declared exclusive, in 1977. Upon review of my journals, dating back to your time on the Hardy Boys, I noted that I pledged my true…

It stinks worse than any teen spirit. — I am grateful to my fourth grade teacher, who told me I was a good writer. Because of her, I wrote constantly. At one point I was a reporter, a job I loved, but it paid squat. …

I’m not god, but I’m doing the lord’s work — Hi Margaret. I’m finally here! Exciting! You’ve been begging me to arrive for years. And I heard you. I’m shutting it all down after decades of monthly cycles. You must feel pretty silly about how hype you were back in sixth grade to get your uterine party started. You kept…

I shudder at the sight of your simple sodden slabs — Hi there. Pardon me, sir, for interrupting your meal. Do you remember that I just sold you that grade A maple syrup from the mercantile behind you? Quick reminder: it is intended to be used as a cocktail enhancer, as I explained to you with detailed enthusiasm, moments ago. …

Cell phones make parenting much easier — 12:00 pm: Drop son at basketball practice. 12:30 pm: Drop daughter at a mall two miles away. 2:00 pm: Daughter texts you to pick her up at a different mall than the one you left her at, because she met up with Paisley and Ava at the first mall, who…

Do I have small bloody holes where hair used to be? Maybe. — 5:45 am: Look in the mirror and realize with alarm there may be a gray eyebrow above my left eye. 5:46 am: Turn on all light sources, open all curtains and blinds. …

Welcome to this vibrant stage of your life! — Your trusted physician shared this list with you, a newly identified member of this still sprightly group known as young old age! Don’t worry that you were only assigned this status by your new, youthful doctor upon the retirement of your long-time PCP because you are around the same age…

Have an uniformed or biased take? Show your face, or keep it to yourself — One of the worst parts of Twitter is the way people tweet absolute garbage at fellow human beings anonymously. I’ve nearly left several times because of it. But I have found many wonderful Tweeters who crack me up, inform me, and connect me to other hilarious people, and scholars. So…