HUMOr
One Hour and Eight Minutes Mistakenly Spent in Hot Yoga
There should be a sign on the door
7:54 am: Go to a yoga studio you’ve never been to because you have a Groupon.
7:56 am. Self consciously scan the room. Everyone here has fancy yoga mats.
8:00 am: The instructor tells you to clear your mind, but instead you clutter it with thoughts of inadequacy, the tone of the last work email you sent, and the trash condition of your yoga mat.
8:04 am: Notice that the room seems unusually warm.
8:06 am: As you begin to warrior, realize in horror that infrared heaters are on. You’re accidentally attending a hot yoga class.
8:07 am: Consider crawling out the door. Choose positive self talk instead. So what if you sit in front of an air conditioner from mid-May to mid-October? How hot can hot yoga really be?
8:10 am: A creek of sweat is running from the nape of your neck to your butt crack with such force and volume that you feel your flesh eroding.
8:15 am: No one else is dripping like you. They are wearing proper yoga wear, which is wicking moisture away from their dewy skin. You are in a T shirt and discount leggings, and will surely develop a painful rash in a spot you can barely reach.
8:25 am: You should leave right now, but you can’t see the door through your sweat and tears.
8:30 am: They are all in mountain pose. You go into a fetal pose.
8:35: You are supposed to be in dolphin pose. But you are a dolphin.
8:36 am: You are no longer in your corporeal form, or bound by four walls. You are doing celestial yoga with David Bowie. Together, you are swimming with other dolphins in space.
8:40 am: You are Ziggy Stardust. You are with the Starman, and the Spiders from Mars. You are soaked from jumping into a magical body of water on Mars with them. You will tell NASA about your discovery.
8:44 am: You glide to your Earthly mat, holding onto the fins of two dolphins.
8:46 am: You miss David Bowie.
8:48 am: Now you are doing the happy baby pose. Or perhaps you are in labor? This class needs ice chips.
8:54 am: You roll around, feeling for your water. Mr. Belvedere appears, and hands you a tropical drink.
8:53 am: Someone said corpse pose? You are definitely a corpse. You are now the ghost of this yoga studio.
8:56 am: The teacher is hovering above you, like a yoga angel. You have accepted death, and this must be yoga heaven.
8:59 am: You are back in the studio. You are shockingly drenched and very much alive. The teacher would like you to stop your heat hallucinations, and get the hell out.
9:01 am: A new class has filled the room. They are wearing T-shirts and discount leggings. Their yoga mats are just flapping loose in their arms. They complain about how hot it is.
9:02 am: You wish you had another Groupon.
