Some Kind of Pretty Candles at Breakfast, Better Off to Buy Me Love — 6:30 am: It is like totally early. I am Frankie. I use hair spray before school. I paint my eyelashes with a small tube of blue paint. I wear thrift shop clothes, even though no other pupils at my school do. 7:00 am: I am on the bus with dweebs…

True Love Forever, Interrupted — Dear Mr. Cassidy, It has recently come to my attention that I neglected to end our relationship that I alone started, and that I alone declared exclusive, in 1977. Upon review of my journals, dating back to your time on the Hardy Boys, I noted that I pledged my true…

It stinks worse than any teen spirit. — I am grateful to my fourth grade teacher, who told me I was a good writer. Because of her, I wrote constantly. At one point I was a reporter, a job I loved, but it paid squat. …

I’m not god, but I’m doing the lord’s work — Hi Margaret. I’m finally here! Exciting! You’ve been begging me to arrive for years. And I heard you. I’m shutting it all down after decades of monthly cycles. You must feel pretty silly about how hype you were back in sixth grade to get your uterine party started. You kept…

Where is their scientific calculator? — Step 1: Before your teen leaves the house, say a few soothing words. Make sure they are fed, and in clean, dry clothes. Remind them to put their scientific calculator in their bag. Step 2: Once you get to your workplace, check your phone. Your teen has texted to ask…

If it takes all day, then it takes all day — At 10 am, she drives to the nearest craft store and buys two dozen plastic pumpkins. She stops for a pumpkin spice latte, obviously. She arrives at home and unpacks her pumpkins. She finds these pumpkins unsatisfying. At 11:15 AM, she scrolls through Pinterest to verify that her basic orange…

It will bring you lifetimes of enjoyment — Don’t miss your opportunity to own this piano. It is in such great shape it almost plays itself! Be advised of just a few simple things: You will need to move it. I will not be physically present. You need a moving truck, and exactly a trinity of movers to…

Yes, I know, they grow so fast — It started more than a decade ago, but I don’t know exactly when. I do know that pumpkin vines fill the background of many back-to-school photos taken when my kids were still the age we took those. In some, the vines totally cover the pavement in the backyard. Other years…

I shudder at the sight of your simple sodden slabs — Hi there. Pardon me, sir, for interrupting your meal. Do you remember that I just sold you that grade A maple syrup from the mercantile behind you? Quick reminder: it is intended to be used as a cocktail enhancer, as I explained to you with detailed enthusiasm, moments ago. You…